Thanksgiving Was A De-Light

There were just so many gems to see.  Here is a post mined from just the delicate topsoil of wealth that lay in the 207 pages of splendor that is AirStore.

Tuddles? Iuddles?  WTFuddles is this dog's name?

Customer review referencing the recently purchased 'Harry Potter Wand' for writer's 6 year old newphew- "He has gotten wands before and sleeps with this one."  Well, uncle pervert, congratulations. Your brethren is now a wand-slut.  And also, that's what she said.

Math time:  Via Amazon: 13 discs of music @ $12.99 each  = $168.87
Via AirStore: 13 discs of music @ $InsanityPrice + Whimsical Mono Box = $299.99 (+$16 for shipping and handling).  Huh.

"A must-have for interfaith marriages". Yes, your Muslim/Hindu partnered friends have been dying for one for EVER!

And this is only snippets from the first 3 pages.  It's gonna be a good month.

It's Been Way Too Long

...BUT, the mid-November/Thanksgiving/general life apathy has been very useful, as I have collected two (2) ((II)) (((dos))) new AirStore magazines AND a delightful passage about carpal tunnel treatment from a "Hemispheres" publication.  Looks like I have quite a bit of work to procrastinate at the Chicago airport on my layover.  Until then...

"Hold your phone 'hands-free' "...do you mean except for the hand holding the phone?

"Never misplace your iPhone again!"  Also effective: surgically implanting your iPhone in your abdomen.

"Keep it handy and secure!" IS THAT A HAND PUN, AIRSTORE??  You sneaky little thing.  I'm surprised you didn't throw anything in about the "digit-al" age.

Another Unfortunate AirStore Photo

Not only does this product provide lumbar support and allow you to recline comfortably, it's also really effective if you want to kill your seatmate and avoid suspicion for the duration of the flight.

Dating Tips

Ladies - if you ever arrive at a gentleman caller's domicile and find this little gem, RUN - do not walk - to the nearest exit.  If a 20s/30s man owns this product, there is a 76% chance he is a serial killer.  Trust me - I'm a science teacher.

THE STUPIDEST MARKETING SENTENCE.

I think my favorite part is the chipper promise that "virtually all of the cooking oil is absorbed by the food..."  Because nothing says "healthy" like french fries that can burn a grease hole through your Styrofoam plate.

This Product Might Either a.) Make You Skinner or b.) Kill You

This product promises to reduce your waistline with the patented "Lipo-transportation effect that contours the body, distributing and eliminating fat".


Let's break this down, shall we?  Lipo = fat, transportation = movement. Ergo hence ipso facto, I assume that the product either squishes all the fat into any spaces between your ribs or creates those back boobs that wrap around to the front of the armpit.  Let's hope for rib-stuffing.


What kinda throws me off is the "eliminating fat" part.  What is happening here?  My most logical conjecture is that the heat produced from wearing latex either melts the fat so it slops around your abdominal cavity* OR the pressure from the whale boning inside is so intense that your fat undergoes a chemical change and turns to something else entirely, like epoxy or guano.


*May not accurately represent accepted anatomical models.

Things Upon Which I Would Spend $19,999.00:

1.  A car with one of those bwoop bwoop things that unlock your car.
2.  A pony (a pretty one, though, not like a 2 1/2 legged one or anything like that)
3.  A personal assistant (to be paid over the course of 4 years, salary nonnegotiable)
4.  A plot of land in Steamboat Springs
5.  3 miniature ponies (one 3-legged pony negotiable)
6.  World Trip (Iceland, Thailand, Peru.  It would be a non-traditional flying pattern)
7.  A wedding (groom TBD)

Things upon which I would NOT spend $19,999.00:
1. Any single object from a AirStore catalogue.  [Caveat: If you're able to impulse buy 20K products whilst flying, I would like to date you.]

Henriett-AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hangin' around Henrietta is described as such: any time is playtime as Henrietta celebrates summer days and simpler times from her lofty perch (easily secured to tree branch or ceiling with an authentic rope). The artist sets breezy fun in motion by casting her enchanting, nearly life-size sculpture in quality designer resin and hand-painting it, one piece at a time, complete with lacy pink socks and pigtails.


I think they forgot to include, "Any time is time to fish for sexual predators in your neighborhood.  Henrietta is a perfect lure to catch any pedophiles hangin' around YOUR hood!"

Target:

Insert punch <<here>>.

Beary Ridiculous

Because what every yard needs is a tree bedecked with bears engaging in rear-entry sex.

Is The Cat Vomiting Into Its Water?

You know, maybe this is a much deeper issue of feline bulimia that we need to think seriously about.  I mean, really, have you seen the tabbies in Cat Fancy lately?  Totally promoting an unhealthy body image for cats.

Jesus: The Teenage Years

Later, Jesus dabbled in sparkling cider.  In college, he experimented with turning water into Old Milwaukee, then finally settled on wine in 1897*.

*Date remains disuputed