SkySnark

Yeah, I Suck At This

2012-01-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

But then on the other hand, I did say that this was going to be a half-assed endeavor. Or at least I thought it. One of the two.

Until I get my act together, consider that you are...

You are the doodle to my snicker. You are arteriosclerosis to my KFC. You are the Wal-Mart to my trashiness. You are the flu to my swine. I love you.

Tagline: [For] Especially those who have everything!

2011-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Except hair and self-awareness.

First Of All, That's What She Said To The Second Line Of This Ad

2011-12-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

And furthermore, upon reviewing the security tapes that recorded everyone who approached my door when I was gone, I did in fact see who stopped by!

Tragically, it was Eminem in 7 years. :(

Out Of Stock

2011-12-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

We regret to inform you that we are out of stock of the following related products...

"Stream Woman"
"Reservoir Lady"
"Puddle Sister"
"Kitchen Faucet Chick"
"Drainage Pond Gal"

Scenes I Like to Picture

2011-12-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

This indoor pressure smoker seems pretty reasonable - it can smoke your food and cook it up to 70% faster. The part I really like is the highlighted sentence.

I'm just really enjoying picturing the conversation in which the recent Indoor Pressure Smoker buyer tries to purchase 3-5 wood chips from the local store.

Marshmallow Shooter: "Not for children under 3 yrs."

2011-12-01T20:51:00.001-08:00

..."Or adults more than 3 drinks in."

This Product Claims the Ability to Potty-Train Your Cat

2011-12-01T20:49:00.001-08:00

But can it also train your cat to not maintain serial-killer-like eye contact with you while it does so?

I Think I See the Problem

2011-12-01T20:47:00.001-08:00

See, I put things intended for the washing machine in the blender a lot, too.

Thanksgiving Was A De-Light

2011-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

There were just so many gems to see. Here is a post mined from just the delicate topsoil of wealth that lay in the 207 pages of splendor that is AirStore.

Tuddles? Iuddles? WTFuddles is this dog's name?

Customer review referencing the recently purchased 'Harry Potter Wand' for writer's 6 year old newphew- "He has gotten wands before and sleeps with this one." Well, uncle pervert, congratulations. Your brethren is now a wand-slut. And also, that's what she said.

Math time: Via Amazon: 13 discs of music @ $12.99 each = $168.87
Via AirStore: 13 discs of music @ $InsanityPrice + Whimsical Mono Box = $299.99 (+$16 for shipping and handling). Huh.

"A must-have for interfaith marriages". Yes, your Muslim/Hindu partnered friends have been dying for one for EVER!

And this is only snippets from the first 3 pages. It's gonna be a good month.

It's Been Way Too Long

2011-11-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

...BUT, the mid-November/Thanksgiving/general life apathy has been very useful, as I have collected two (2) ((II)) (((dos))) new AirStore magazines AND a delightful passage about carpal tunnel treatment from a "Hemispheres" publication. Looks like I have quite a bit of work to procrastinate at the Chicago airport on my layover. Until then...

"Hold your phone 'hands-free' "...do you mean except for the hand holding the phone?

"Never misplace your iPhone again!" Also effective: surgically implanting your iPhone in your abdomen.

"Keep it handy and secure!" IS THAT A HAND PUN, AIRSTORE?? You sneaky little thing. I'm surprised you didn't throw anything in about the "digit-al" age.

Another Unfortunate AirStore Photo

2011-11-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

Not only does this product provide lumbar support and allow you to recline comfortably, it's also really effective if you want to kill your seatmate and avoid suspicion for the duration of the flight.

Dating Tips

2011-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ladies - if you ever arrive at a gentleman caller's domicile and find this little gem, RUN - do not walk - to the nearest exit. If a 20s/30s man owns this product, there is a 76% chance he is a serial killer. Trust me - I'm a science teacher.

THE STUPIDEST MARKETING SENTENCE.

2011-11-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

I think my favorite part is the chipper promise that "virtually all of the cooking oil is absorbed by the food..." Because nothing says "healthy" like french fries that can burn a grease hole through your Styrofoam plate.

This Product Might Either a.) Make You Skinner or b.) Kill You

2011-11-07T19:51:00.000-08:00

This product promises to reduce your waistline with the patented "Lipo-transportation effect that contours the body, distributing and eliminating fat".

Let's break this down, shall we? Lipo = fat, transportation = movement. Ergo hence ipso facto, I assume that the product either squishes all the fat into any spaces between your ribs or creates those back boobs that wrap around to the front of the armpit. Let's hope for rib-stuffing.

What kinda throws me off is the "eliminating fat" part. What is happening here? My most logical conjecture is that the heat produced from wearing latex either melts the fat so it slops around your abdominal cavity* OR the pressure from the whale boning inside is so intense that your fat undergoes a chemical change and turns to something else entirely, like epoxy or guano.

*May not accurately represent accepted anatomical models.

Things Upon Which I Would Spend $19,999.00:

2011-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

1. A car with one of those bwoop bwoop things that unlock your car.
2. A pony (a pretty one, though, not like a 2 1/2 legged one or anything like that)
3. A personal assistant (to be paid over the course of 4 years, salary nonnegotiable)
4. A plot of land in Steamboat Springs
5. 3 miniature ponies (one 3-legged pony negotiable)
6. World Trip (Iceland, Thailand, Peru. It would be a non-traditional flying pattern)
7. A wedding (groom TBD)

Things upon which I would NOT spend $19,999.00:
1. Any single object from a AirStore catalogue. [Caveat: If you're able to impulse buy 20K products whilst flying, I would like to date you.]

Henriett-AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

2011-11-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hangin' around Henrietta is described as such: any time is playtime as Henrietta celebrates summer days and simpler times from her lofty perch (easily secured to tree branch or ceiling with an authentic rope). The artist sets breezy fun in motion by casting her enchanting, nearly life-size sculpture in quality designer resin and hand-painting it, one piece at a time, complete with lacy pink socks and pigtails.

I think they forgot to include, "Any time is time to fish for sexual predators in your neighborhood. Henrietta is a perfect lure to catch any pedophiles hangin' around YOUR hood!"

Target:

2011-11-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Insert punch <<here>>.

Beary Ridiculous

2011-11-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

Because what every yard needs is a tree bedecked with bears engaging in rear-entry sex.

Is The Cat Vomiting Into Its Water?

2011-11-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

You know, maybe this is a much deeper issue of feline bulimia that we need to think seriously about. I mean, really, have you seen the tabbies in Cat Fancy lately? Totally promoting an unhealthy body image for cats.

Jesus: The Teenage Years

2011-11-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

Later, Jesus dabbled in sparkling cider. In college, he experimented with turning water into Old Milwaukee, then finally settled on wine in 1897*.

*Date remains disuputed

...For Everything Else, There's MasterYourEmotions

2011-10-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

The way this apparently works is that you place a "special prize" (AKA a $20 - if that ain't love I don't know what is), and the lucky recipient must solve the puzzle in order to attain said prize. The only thing that would add to this product's potential for aneurism-inducing rage would be the addition of superglue to prevent the recipient from being able to open the game, even after they have won.

GiftGame: $19.99
$20 Bill: $20.00
Shipping and Handling: $11.99 if you're like me and never remember to ship present more than 3 hours before
Cripping, Debilitating Rage At A Prize You Can See Yet Cannot Attain: Priceless

Products That Support Abstinence

2011-10-31T11:57:00.000-07:00

There is a staggering amount of snarky things to say about this product. It is a two-piece package of goodness - there is a laser cap underneath that provides light-therapy to parts of your skull, and then a protective helmet which goes over, most likely to protect the user against hair loss, bike accidents, and pretty girls.

Even with all those benefits, $695 for a birth control prescription seems pretty steep.

Turn Car Trips From BLAH to YEAH!

2011-10-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

Picture 1: Waahhhhh I hate everything because my mom wants to keep me safe by wearing my seatbelt waaaahhhh.
Picture 2: Yay now I'm smug because my neck is is comfy and my little scapula will break immediately in a car accident!

The Age-Old Struggle of the Artist

2011-10-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

It's a well-known fact that every true Artist's dream is to break into the foul-weather-gear market while they are alive. However, thanks to the classless and ignorant philistines, this dream is often sadly deferred. Thankfully, we can now fully appreciate Monet and his contributions to sweaty boot-clad feet everywhere around this world as he finally rains supreme. Heh.

Turn Stress Into [Eternal] Rest

2011-10-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

Blissful comfort...excellent circulation...COLD BLOODED MURDER. Does NO ONE else realize that this pillow apparently kills anyone who lays upon it?!

Well Ya Don't Say

2011-10-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Wait a second, wait a second... they're telling that they have a BATHMAT soaks up water?!! I'm calling BS - this is too good to be true. Next you're going to be telling me that there is a "dishsoap" that "cleans plates" or "shoelaces" that "go in knots" or "food" that you can "eat". Not this consumer, AirStore. Not this consumer.

Bad Parenting Present

2011-10-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

Don't love your child enough to play Hide and Seek with them? Then buy this digitized Hide and Seek monkey! He'll provide hours of fun and distraction from your lack of attachment as you enjoy a leisurely child-free day.

Also wonderful for terrifying unsuspecting babysitters and houseguests alike. Buy now!

The Most Specific Superhero Skill Possible

2011-10-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

However, be cautious with use around Labor Day parties. Your eyeballs may explode.

Only $19.99!!!!

2011-10-30T20:07:00.001-07:00

Or...just find a stick. $Free.99

If You're An Adult Nostalgic For Bullying...

2011-10-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

...Bring this to your kid's next soccer game. Ahhh, the smell of newly-mown grass, fresh air, bottles thrown at your head...

How It All Got Started...

2011-10-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

It was simple, really. Flight from New York City back home to Denver. The ubiquitous in-flight magazine, heretofore referred as "AirStore", sat tantalizingly in the seatback pocket in front of me, the same place where I could find my safety information card. And there it was; page 128; Christmas section. A pierogi Christmas ornament, making me immediately think, "Huh. Just what I always wanted, a brass vagina for my tree."

And then I knew. I needed to shame this subscription and the products within with snarky comments. And thus....SkySnark was born.